Watching our children struggle with big feelings or worries can be incredibly challenging as a parent. Not only does it feel uncomfortable watching someone we love struggle, it can also be tricky to know which ‘angle to take’ in those big emotional moments. I know I can find myself asking… “Do I lean into their feelings and connect with them in their emotions?”, “Do I give them what they want and take them home because this feels all too hard?”, or “Do I help them be ‘resilient’ and push them forward?”

Well, the good news is, you don’t need to decide what single angle to take. In fact, research tells us that for children to build genuine resilience (learning to embrace and understand big feelings and challenging situations and work THROUGH them), they need a mix of these key things from us –

1) Our Validation – “I can see it’s hard for you to say goodbye to Daddy right now.” 

WHY: Because the part of our child’s brain that is triggered and in control in these moments of overwhelm (the amygdala), responds best to ‘being seen and heard

2) Our Connection – “l’m here with you. It’s okay to cry and let your feelings out.” (Physically getting down to their level in a steady, non-confrontational way).

WHY: Our nervous systems are wired for connection and relationship and it’s from our steady, connected presence that our children gain strength. Remember, even as grown-ups we seek others when we are overwhelmed.

3) Our Leadership/Guidance – “We can do this together. What does your body need to help you feel settled/safe?” (eg. a cuddle, some cool water to sip, some space away from others, something to snack on). 

WHY: Because even if on the inside we are feeling overwhelmed ourselves by our child’s big emotions, our children’s brains will mirror ours – our strength, our brave, leads them to their strength, their brave. We can lead our children through their big feelings and encourage collaborative problem solving along the way (more on this exciting strategy next week!).

Now, in saying all of this, it isn’t some magical recipe that means your child immediately stops crying and runs off to to do the ‘thing’ they are worried about doing. In fact, in building resilience, the goal is not for the child to shove all those feelings down on the inside or stop feeling sad or worried. Rather, the goal is for the child to acknowledge and work THROUGH the messy, big feelings, and this means sometimes things can get a little extra messy before they improve – that is totally okay! 

What this message above communicates, is that your child is seen and heard by you, their feelings matter, but there is also a way THROUGH their feelings as they find their brave. This is resilience! And, as the brain is wired by experience, the more experiences a child has of being validated, connected, and led with strength by the grown-ups in their world, the more their brain learns that they are safe, valuable and able to embrace and process challenging feelings and hard situations as they go through life. 

These key concepts (all supported by research and brain science) are beginning to form a clear foundation within our Mother Duck Childcare Communities. Over the previous few months, our leadership teams have been engaging in professional development sessions as well as coaching and mentoring by Allied Health Professionals and Trauma Aware specialists as we seek to rigorously reflect and refine all of our policies and procedures to uphold best practice. Over the coming months, our Kindy Teachers and educators will continue to ‘deep dive’ into these core concepts:

– The development of a child’s brain and body (nervous system) and how this impacts emotional regulation.

– The role interoception plays in supporting emotional regulation, attention and focus (another blog to follow by our consultant Occupational Therapist on this!) 

-Key co-regulation strategies to support each individual child’s nervous system and interoception needs.

And lastly, for the parent of the child who is often emotional…. (We see you!)

If you have a child who is a little more clingy than other children, or you are finding your child needs more reassurance than others, this is not a sign that your child is not resilient OR that you are a bad parent. In fact, the blessing of your child (and I speak from personal experience), is that they provide you with a lot of opportunities to connect with them in and through the messy moments, as you continue to lead them forward. I know as a parent, what I do now is setting those foundations for when they are no longer “little”, so they still know they can come to me with their worries and big emotions, knowing I will continue to validate, connect and guide them as best I can. 

Each child, like each adult, is unique and just as we need others around us to meet us in our mess and our challenges at times, and lovingly guide us through, as parents, our children gift us that opportunity to practice and demonstrate empathy, grace and compassion as we guide them. 

Stay on the lookout for further information about the work Mother Duck Childcare is doing to pro-actively respond to research that supports the safety and well-being of all children. It is such a privilege to work collaboratively as key adults in your child’s world, to support your child’s development of emotional regulation, impacting their lifelong outcomes!